Vow of theatrical chastity

Taking inspiration from those sometimes very annoying Danes who gave us Dogma, I am working on a little vow of theatrical chastity of my own. I don't mean I am vowing not to seduce the actors (chance would be a fine thing); I am referring to my work as playwright. So far I have come up with the following:


1. There must only be one location, preferably an interior. (Extra points to be awarded for setting your play in a seaside guesthouse or country hotel.)

2. Time must be linear. Past events may be reported but not enacted.

3. The average length of scenes must be at least five minutes. Extra points to be awarded for really fuck-off long scenes (unless they are dull). The grand prize will be awarded to any play achieving complete unity of time, ie, if the whole play is one enormous fuck-off scene that lasts two hours, and in where Act Two follows directly on from Act One with no time-lapse.

4. No character may address the audience at any point (unless the playwright's name is Tennessee Williams).

5. No projection of any images, moving, still or cyber, is permitted (same proviso as previous rule).

6. No character may sing unless as a legitimate part of the plot, and even then - it had better be good. Musical theatre is a separate genre that may be tolerated but never encouraged.

7. No character may speak in verse (unless the playwright died before the English Civil War).

* * *

To this solemn vow I put my name, R Farrar, aka Lorcan Wode, Lawrence S Dog and another name which I can't tell you about.